


The Wrong Bucky

by completelyhopeless



Series: Coulson's pet 0-8-4 [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, coulson's pet 0-8-4, coulson's pet is a captain america fan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-26
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-27 01:15:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2673377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/completelyhopeless/pseuds/completelyhopeless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve stumbles onto an unexpected revelation as he searches for Bucky, one that tries to eat him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wrong Bucky

**Author's Note:**

  * For [scribblemyname](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scribblemyname/gifts).



> There is an explanation for this. It's not necessarily a good one.
> 
> Still, it was bound to happen. I was always going to lose this battle.
> 
> I need to make a note to myself: never write characters for the first time in a crack fic. Also, never try and make characters be in character in a crack fic. I think I just broke my brain a bit more than usual with this one, all because I wasn't sure if Steve was acting like Steve.

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Steve?" Sam asked with a frown. "Not only is that report pretty questionable, but it's more than ten years old. It can't possibly be of use now."

"We don't know that it won't be. I am prepared to look into any and every angle I can until I find Bucky," Steve said. He gave Sam a small smile. "I don't blame you if you don't want to come with, but this is what I have to do."

"I said I'd follow you, and I will. I just don't know what we're going to find in a mental hospital."

"Anything's possible," Steve reminded him. "I was frozen for seventy years, remember?"

"Yeah, I bet you'll fit right in here. Just watch out for Nurse Ratched."

"Who?" 

* * *

"Mr. Anderson? I'd like to ask you a few questions."

"Steve, they said he was catatonic. He's not going to be able to answer any questions," Sam told him. Steve shook his head. He knew it was a long shot, but he was hoping that something, _anything_ could reach the man for even a moment so that he could get answers about Bucky.

"I'm Steve Rogers. I think you might know a friend of mine."

Anderson drooled. Sam sighed. "You might know him as Captain America. He's looking for his friend Bucky—” 

The older man went from staring to shrieking, wailing in a way that made Sam cover his ears. Steve winced.

"Evil fur! Evil!"

"I think we should go," Sam began, looking at Steve. "We really upset him."

"This must mean something," Steve said, trying to understand the ramblings as Anderson started bouncing around on the floor and making hippity-hop noises. "You snapped him out of his fugue by saying Bucky—” 

"Bucky ate Captain America!"

"Yeah, it means something all right. He's loon—” 

“—ier than a junebug?" Steve finished, pleased to have gotten a reference for a change.

"I was gonna say Looney Tunes, but sure. That works. Point is, he's too far gone to tell you anything you can use to find Bucky."

Steve sighed, about to agree when Anderson said, "Coulson."

"What?"

"Phil Coulson. Furry. Eat Captain America. Ate me. Ran, ran, ran..."

"Don't tell me," Sam muttered. "We're going after Coulson now."

"Be kind of hard to do," Steve said. "Phil Coulson died in the battle of New York."

* * *

"This is the address. You sure about this?" Sam grimaced at his words. "What am I saying? Only fools are sure."

"Guess we're fools, then."

Sam snorted. "Speak for yourself, old man."

Steve ignored him as he continued into the building, taking the stairs two at a time. "This was Phil Coulson's last known address. Maybe some of his stuff is still here. Maybe it has answers about Bucky. It's worth a shot."

Sam grunted, following after him. They stopped at the door, frowning when they heard voices inside.

"I know it's your favorite stuffed Captain America, but I don't know where you left it. Maybe next time you should bring your toys with you when you follow me."

Steve didn't believe what he was hearing. He slammed the door open and stopped to stare. "Coulson?"

"There goes my damage deposit," Coulson said.

"Forget your damage deposit. What the hell is that?” Sam demanded, pointing at the strange mound of fur sitting next to Coulson.

“That's Bucky,” Coulson said calmly as though all of this were normal, which it wasn't. Even with as unbelievable as Steve's life had become, this was impossible.

“No way. Nuh-huh. No way in hell that thing's Bucky. I've seen him. He's big and tall and has a metal arm. He also tried to kill us,” Sam said. “That thing is not Bucky.”

“Careful,” Coulson said. “Bucky tends to be a bit sensitive—”

“That's not Bucky,” Steve agreed. “Bucky was my best friend, and it is an insult to call that ball of fur by his name and it is—”

“No, Bucky! Don't eat him! That's Captain America!”

* * *

“I thought you told him not to eat me,” Steve said, eying the ball of fur warily.

“He's not. He's licking you,” Coulson said, like that made it any better. He smiled. “He likes you. He has ever since I've known him. I told him stories about you, and reading the comics is the only thing that calms him down. Well, that or May's singing, but I swore I wasn't going to tell anyone about that.”

Steve blinked.

“Can we go back to the part where you were dead but you're not dead?” Sam asked. “There is an explanation for that, right?”

“There is. Trust me when I tell you that you don't want to know,” Coulson said. He sighed. “I don't know how I'm going to get him back on the Bus after this. He's not going to want to let you go, especially when his favorite plush is missing.”

“Are you kidding?”

Coulson shook his head. “Why would I joke about Bucky?”

“I don't suppose you've heard of the Winter Soldier?” Sam asked. “Big Russian, metal arm, assassin. Also known as Bucky Barnes.”

“Bucky's alive?” Coulson asked, sounding like a fan again. “That is amazing.”

“Yeah, not so much. I'm kind of waiting for the moment where I wake up and find out this whole thing was a dream,” Steve told him, rubbing his forehead. “This is real, isn't it?”

Coulson nodded. “Very real, unfortunately. No, Bucky, I didn't mean you. I meant H.Y.D.R.A. No, Bucky. You are not eating all of—Oh, no.”

“Uh, where did the psychotic fur ball just go?”

“I don't—” Steve frowned. “What was that?”

“That was Bucky.” Coulson stopped, swallowing. “This... This is very bad, gentlemen. The last time he did this, he ate part of Budapest.”

**Author's Note:**

> According to scribblemyname's headcanon, the landlord ran for the hills and survived.
> 
> I agreed he could survive. I doubt we agreed on _how_ he survived, though.


End file.
